The Smile

It's pizza night and I've been invited. I'm worried but they've said there will be gluten free pizza and I want to go so I trust them. I've eaten with them before and didn't get sick. I arrive and find that someone else is bringing the pizza. I wait, anxious. Will I be going home sick? Despite years of saying no and downing pop after pop, drink after drink to keep from having to eat there is only so much you can do when you've been invited for dinner. It's hard to pretend you're not hungry then. Maybe some people can tell others they don't feel comfortable eating the food but as soon as someone goes out of their way to prepare food that is gluten free specially for me I feel obligated to eat it. So I'm nervous. 

The family arrives and the gluten free pizza goes into the microwave to finish cooking. The mother and her four year old walk into the kitchen. We are introduced. 

"Honey, she's gluten free just like you," the Mom points to me as she tells her daughter who is hiding behind her. I nod and smile back at her. 

"I'm just like you!" I exclaim, hoping she won't mind sharing her pizza with me. 

A smile slowly blooms across her face. I smile back at her. 

The smile that says I am not alone, I am not the only one, I am not weird. Someone is like me. 

A powerful thing for a four year old to understand that she is not alone and a powerful thing for twenty two year old to be a part of. 

The "oops" Moment - 5 years in waiting

Have you had one yet? That complete "oops" moment where you realized you accidentally just poisoned yourself. Not because of anyone else messing up or not being careful. You didn't get glutened because you went to a restaurant, family members house, or took that fruit even though you knew it was probably not safe. No, not that. Because those are all a rational decision, a clear choice to trust someone else with your food all the while knowing that they will probably make you sick. You give them power because you love them, or you're tired, or you just really want to feel just once that you can be normal and eat something like everyone else at the party.

No. This moment is the one where you were careful, you baked your pizza on the top rack in a special pan. Your wonderful husband was so careful, washing his hands, doing everything right. And then you pull out the pizza and you can't tell whose is whose because yours has a thicker crust than his (warning light number 1) but you ask him to clarify and he says it's yours so you put it on your plate and dig in. You're thinking about how wonderful it would be if this thicker crust pizza tasted good because you've never really loved thin crust and it would just be amazing to have this option. You eat a slice. It's good. Too good. You remember that it's an Amy's pizza and Walmart likes to mix their stuff in with all the gluten free food just to confuse people like us. You walk into the kitchen to check the box. First ingredient? Wheat flour. OOPS

So, as a warning Walmart likes to trick us so always check the box.